Moods Are More Contagious Than Viruses
Nothing is Neutral
I have seen people die. Not because their hearts stopped beating, or because their bodies quit functioning. I have seen people die, or perhaps the best word would be “disappear” because at one point I looked at them and couldn’t recognise who they were anymore.
Their personality hadn’t just changed. It had transformed into a character I hadn’t met before. I have looked at someone I knew for years and noticed how their entire identity seemed to belong to a different person. I have listened to them talking yet all I could think was: who the hell are you?
Personality changing isn’t a great deal. We can evolve and become different people, with different hobbies, tastes and even personality traits. It is not just natural, it is positive and necessary in order to grow up.
But there is a difference between growing up and becoming a completely different person without any growth. A 180° rotation with no evolution whatsoever. An absence of self-awareness.
Have you ever watched one of those movies where the main character disappears for the summer and returns being hot, smart, self-confident and a heartbreaker? That phenomenon happens quite a lot. Maybe not in the short span of one summer, but over the years people changes to become their best or their worst version. We become a whole different person by nature.
And that’s a reality of time that we ignore every day.
Whether you become a happy and healthy person or a cynical individual who spits negativity regularly. That’s the result of life experiences and the actions that you take in the course of it. Those actions can go from deciding to go to therapy, having a healthy diet, staying in a toxic job environment or even dating a poisonous partner.
If it’s normal, why make a point about it?
If every little thing in this world is negative or positive, then every step we take, from making a new friend to starting a new job is going to have a positive or negative effect on your mental health, your mood, your career and your life. I’m sure I have died multiple times for some people, and I am certain some of those “rebirths” weren’t always a self-improvement anecdote.
But it wasn’t until a couple of years ago that I learned how incredibly important is for every one of us to be extremely aware of the atmosphere we surround ourselves with.
I have noticed my mood, motivation and health improve and evolve noticeably after joining a class or job place that promoted a good environment. But I have also noticed the opposite effect when joining a blurry environment/person.
My Friend
I was a teenager when my best friend and I made a new group of buddies. They were great, incredibly welcoming and fun. I remember we meet them at a ComicCon festival in our city and stayed in touch with them after that, particularly with a couple of them, a guy and a girl.
We would see them once in a while in the city. they were some of the nicest people I had ever met. They never had a bad thing to say about anybody, no bad attitude, they didn’t dislike anything or anybody and we used to talk about them with adoration. I remember how often we mentioned their compatibility, we talked about how happy they looked together despite being just friends (we shipped them a bit).
Years went by and our friendship persisted. Living in different towns made it difficult for us to meet in person, but every day we spent with them was a wholesome day.
After we joined college, I was able to see them more often due to the closeness of our institutions.
In a short amount of time, my angelic friend (Let’s call him Luke) dated his best friend, but the relationship didn’t last for too long. Only a couple of weeks after their breakup, he started dating a new girl in town. I remember the bad feeling I got from this new girl the first time I meet her: she was the opposite pole of his character. Always had something negative to say about literally everything and everyone (except when she was talking about herself). Let’s call her Melissa. Melissa would make inappropriate comments without having any consideration of the uncomfortable environment that she was creating.
I know they dated for over a year, and I had the misfortune of seeing them interact as a couple a few times. It’s frustrating to see a friend staying with someone who doesn’t seem to value them. Melissa always had a sarcastic comment in the oven about Luke’s hobbies, books, clothes and even his lower tummy fat.
I don’t think she was aware of her behaviour. Melissa was trying to mislead people from her own insecurities. At some point Luke’s friends tried to warn him, and turns out that he was aware of the negative effect that her girlfriend’s character was having on him. But Luke stayed in the relationship. Before making two years together, Melissa decided to end their relationship to start a new one with a guy she had met.
The few times I saw him after the event were enough for me to conclude that not only I didn’t know him anymore, but also that I didn’t like the person he had become. This guy was now selfish, offensive, and extremely misogynistic. I don’t know if he noticed his change, I don’t think he intended to become the way he was at this point. Yet, this turning was nobody else’s fault but his own. He voluntarily stayed with a person that awoke the worst part of him.
I stopped considering him a friend since I didn’t want to be associated with a person who wasn’t giving a crap about how offensive his comments made other people feel. I like to refer to Luke as an “ex-friend” (we should be using that word more often).
My partner had a similar experience with a friend. In his case, the friend didn’t stay in a romantic relationship, but in a horrifying work environment instead.
“People’s moods are more contagious than viruses”.
I read this line for the first time in The 48 Laws of Power. I had never heard that before, and it struck me hard because as soon as I read it, two different faces came to my mind. It reminded me of how we also affect the people who are closest to us.
Our choices become a part of us, our experiences make us grow or shrink. It is essential for us to understand that saying “NO” to a person or job is as important as saying yes to them.
We aren’t taught this lesson and it’s one of the biggest mistakes we make growing up. Accepting toxic environments only minimises the perspective we have of ourselves. It defines the colour of the lenses we see the world through. At the end of the day, toxic people will always find a way to excuse their behaviour by using their status as friend/family member/job role…etc to avoid changing it for the better.
So, if there is one thing you can get from this messy text is the reminder that every path that you take in life is going to have a positive or negative effect in your life. And you are the only one responsible for changing that path if it’s not serving you well.
That implies taking care of yourself, prioritizing your peace of mind and your dignity daily, both with the environment you surround yourself and with the people you bond with.
Have you ever had to make someone your “ex-friend“? Feel free to share your experiences with toxic relationships in the comment section.
26 Comments
John Malone
Great article, this is one of the most important things in life.
Setting up boundaries is crucial!
Kiira Smith
A skill for life!
Sarah
I always thought that your best option against negative and toxic people is to out-toxic them and they’ll eventually leave you alone!
Jokes aside, very nice read and all very true
Kiira Smith
Out-toxic them, I didn’t think of that! 😂
Jamie
Fantastic article. My advise against those kinds of people is:
Slowly detach. Don’t answer your phone at unreasonable hours. Don’t agree with them and don’t humour them.
Toxic people are about themselves. If you don’t feed their ego/narcissism/toxicity. Then you are worthless to them and they will leave you.
Kiira Smith
That’s a great advice, not feeding their needs can work pretty well once you have figured out the effect that they have on you. 👏
Kat
Life is too short to be around & spend time with people who steal your energy & happiness…
Kiira Smith
Exactly🙏
Tap
It’s a shame to hear about your ex-friend. However, it sounds like you made the right choice by moving on
Sometimes it’s very hard but you have to think about your mental health and what makes you happy
Kiira Smith
Yes and it is hard to accept that some people will change over the years. It’s part of life I guess 🤷🏻♀️
Tamara
I’m Asian. It means the whole family member are toxic!
I do what I can to get by 🙂
Kiira Smith
Good luck Tamara! You must be a pro at dealing with them😂
Manon
Loved your article. Have you also heard about the grey rock method?
https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/grey-rock#why-use-it
Kiira Smith
Thanks Manon that’s a great article! I have never heard about that method before but completely agree with the points that it makes. 👏
Tom
Ghost those fuckers; you can’t have them in your life.
While ghosting them may seem like the cowards way out, whenever I’ve confronted toxic individuals in my own life, they always turn things around like it was all your fault really.
You can’t have them; they sap all your energy with their bullshit and, when confronted, act like you’re the one with the problem.
Kiira Smith
Agree, It is difficult to identify toxic people sometimes, they come in all types and colours!
Hopefully we can accept that they will always be there and learn to establish healthy boundaries.
Mark
It’s like radiation protection. Time, Distance and Shielding
Limit your time with them.
Increase the distance to them.
Put a barrier between them and yourself.
Kiira Smith
And some people are tiny Chernobyls!Those steps you mention are essential in order to establish healthy boundaries. 👏👏
Shiri
You are totally right
If they’re your friends, stop hanging out with them.
If they’re your family, limit your interactions with them.
Toxicity rubs off easily and it could bring you down. Toxic people want nothing more than to bring everyone down to their level.
Don’t tolerate it.
Kiira Smith
Thanks Shiri that’s very true! The first step is to identify the and the contagious effect that they have on you and then establish those boundaries 👏👏
J
The best advice I can give is what I live by everyday. People are c*nts. No way around that. But I always strive to be that person that makes someone’s day. So when those negative people come around, I know that no matter how bad it may seem, there’s more good out there than them.
Kiira Smith
That’s a very positive attitude towards life, kudos to you👏I’m sure most people appreciates it.👏
Sunil
Very tough topic but supremely important. What I did recently was
Read Marcus Aurelius „Meditations“
Followed by Seneca’s Letters From a Stoic.
Im working on it but I am starting to feel a bit better
Kiira Smith
Meditations is an amazing book for life. Stoicism is essential for a happy life, I should try Seneca’s book too!
Daria
I really enjoyed the book, A New Earth, by Eckhart Tolle. He has a very refreshing and realistic approach to things like this.
Kiira Smith
That’s very interesting, I have heard about that book but never read it, maybe I should give it a try 🙏